Because of events that occurred during my childhood, I really lost touch. I lost touch with myself and the people around me. To be honest with you, those post years (9-12 or 13) or my childhood in general, I don’t remember much. I guess I blocked it out. But I was in a dark place, and I never thought that I would get out of that place. Thankfully, I did. Though I still get stuck there sometimes, I know I can get out, and I couldn’t always say that.

I did some things and became someone that I wasn’t happy with. I was just a kid with such adult things going through my mind. I’m not talking about your normal “boy crazy” thinking, I mean real adult thoughts. I was in a place of complete and utter despair, and I thought I wouldn’t/couldn’t ever be happy unless I was with someone. For a long time, I didn’t think about boys because of what happened, and I wanted nothing to do with them, I thought about girls, and I thought about how tainted I was and not by my own doing, or because I wanted to, I was forced. But…just because I was forced doesn’t mean or justify what I did. I shouldn’t have let it cloud my vision for my future self, but hey I’m only human.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that is that I sort of use this as fuel to discount myself; whether that be in my accomplishments, my thought, and even in what I deserve. It’s weird because I know that I deserve the best, but when I fight for it this voice just shuts me down and leaves me thinking if I’m just making a huge deal out of nothing, or that I am asking for too much. As of right now, I’m not ready to disclose the events of my childhood. I have typed it out, but I’m just not ready to hit publish just yet…


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